Coming Back Home

Photo by Lisa Fotios from Pexels

Time to check in.

Toes? wiggling

Ankles? yep

Calves? squeeze-release

Knees? right here

Thighs? (I love you!) present

Hips? Butt? in all our glory

Peehole? in attendance

Belly button? thumbs up

Chest? Breasts? double yup (or triple, I guess)

Spine? Back? check and check

Neck? Shoulders? here, boss

Arms? Elbows? Wrists? all accounted for

Fingers? wiggling

I’m here.

Sounds silly, I guess, to “check in” with my body. But I’ve found it essential to my journey.. to staying, BEing, NOWing.

I remember when the first time this idea of becoming aware of my body was brought to my attention. I was running on the treadmill at the local gym, listening to a teaching through my ear buds. Geneen Roth, who I believe is still in practice, was presenting a three-part series on Disordered Eating Recovery. 

To my  annoyance, she began each teaching with a guided “check in” much the same as the one I shared here. Gah, she irritated me! 

“For the love of everything intellectual, woman, just unpack your story and get to the point of how you healed,” I growled. No, I mean it. I really growled. Like, I was pissed. 

My feet? Ankles? What the eff? White light to my organs? You’re kidding me, right? What the hell kinda mumbo-jumbo is she going on about here? Where’s the science? Where’s the information? Where’s her list of resources, and why oh why is she going on and on about feeling her skin and muscles and bones?

Grrrrrrr! I thought this was a teaching about learning how to eat again. (Which it was. I just didn’t recognize it as such yet.)

Irritated though I was, I had no idea how to fast forward on the device I was using so I was stuck listening to her encourage us to become more aware of our bodies, of where they were in space, and how they were feeling in that moment. Tight, loose, hot, cold, distant, near, safe, scary… she asked us to become aware of what messages our body was sending, were we listening, were we creating safe space, were we practicing self compassion.

And all that shit. Blah blah blah…

Get to the lesson, Karen. (Er, Geneen.)

She mosied around the topics of coming back home to our bodies, believing that many of us — due to circumstances beyond our ability to process — found them unsafe and then eventually unfamiliar. Her intention was to help us return to ourselves. She said that many of us had, for any number of reasons, abandoned our-selves. 

“Your body is reliable. If you will listen, it will speak.” – Geneen Roth

Hmmmmm.

I became curious.

Then scared.

Because becoming aware of my breath and how it felt in my body started to stir up very uncomfortable feelings. I realized that I did not in fact live from my body but from my mind. (My apologies, G. You obviously knew what you were doing.) I had been intellectualizing my feelings; I intellectualized living rather than actually living. Because life was safer this way for me.

Safer, but kept me contained in anxiety, which if you think about it is not really safe at all. And, Geneen continued throughout her teachings, healing starts with coming back into your body. Coming out of an intellectual acknowledgment of feelings and into an actual feeling of feelings. Like, let your body feel them feelings, the good, the bad, and the ugly. No judgment. 

Which is scarier than it sounds. Thus, the whole living inside my mind. Get details. Gather facts. 

PSA:

It’s a brave thing to feel.

To feel your feelings.

Damn brave.

I don’t think I’m that great at it yet. If life was a cookie — and wouldn’t that just be the kix, baby — but if life was a cookie, my first instinct would be to ask you for the recipe, talk details about how much flour, dark or semi-sweet chocolate chips, and do you really need to beat in only one egg at a time. But I think I would be too afraid to eat it. 

Which is why I hang out with a few cookie-munching souls. They ain’t afraid o’ nothing. Okay, they’re afraid of some stuff, but they are brave enough to try new cookies. And encourage me to do the same.

Life’s a journey, isn’t it?

Wonderful.

Scary.

Amazing.

Big.

Sometimes wild and out-of-control.

All this to say, I’m learning to breathe. To stay. To BE. To NOW. 

To feel my feet, my shoulders, and my sadness.

To befriend my waist, my butt, and my disappointment.

To live.

From my body, my heart, and my mind.

To be thankful for cookie-eating friends.

Who are encouraging.

And often hilarious.

So there’s laughter.

And that’s some good stuff right there.

And to appreciate the mentoring of teachers such as Geneen.

Who inspire me to try weird stuff…

Like breathing into my calves and sending light to my thighs.

And believing for miraculous stuff…

Like eating, loving, healing, laughing.

Coming back home.

Who would have thought it started with a simple breath?

Writing Every Day Down,

In gratitude and wonder.

YOUR JOURNAL PROMPT:

• Do you have a regular practice of self-awareness like yoga or breathing or journaling?
• Do you have a mentor?
• Cookie-eating friends?
• In your humble opinion, do we really need to beat in just one egg at a time? Hmmmm.