I’ll Stand By You

Photo by Helena Lopes from Pexels

Lost my temper the other day.

No, that’s actually not quite it.

I found my anger the other day. Boy oh boy, did I ever. Furious words scraped out of my mouth, long held air whooshed through my lungs. My body shook, my voice like sandpaper, all gritty and scraped. 

I didn’t feel the words coming from my mind. They felt originated from my guts. Long hidden memories, long lost emotions, never spoken sentiments. As the words emerged like angry mama bears, I witnessed myself feeling… feeling fury, the perfect storm crashing out of my being and out to the end of the snowy driveway.

It scared me. A lot.

Like, a whole lot.

I am not an angry person. And yet. I harbored an intensity of hate that shocked me. Where the heck had this come from? Until that moment when “all hell broke loose,” I was completely unaware of the depth of my anger.

Rage is a hot, fast-burning fuel. It can be powerful and useful. Or not. 

Augusten Burroughs, THIS IS HOW (Surviving What You Think You Can’t)

I’ll set the scene for us: I really don’t like the cold. Shoveling is kinda yucky. In just three days, my husband and I found ourselves sans snowblower (broken, dammit) and out there in parkas and gloves and hats and boots and ohmygodihatesnow shoveling for the fourth time. Just to get out the driveway. 

As I shoveled, the anger started to burn the back of my throat. I tried swallowing, pushing it back down. I became aware that a voice inside my head chided, “you can’t be angry; nice girls don’t get angry; anger isn’t pretty, you want to be beautiful, don’t you?” Try as I might, it’s like I couldn’t stop the damn from bursting forth. And spew it did.

Spitting, growling, eyes squinted. “I hate *#% and I am allowing myself to hate ^#$* for what they did to me!” Arms flailing, and I felt out of control… well, there’s more but you can visualize the bloody mess of it all. Carnage. Hateful words puked out and piled up.

God, I felt so much better.

I mean, not right away. Immediately, I felt exhausted. I began to defend myself to the voice within chiding and abasing. “For shame!” she hissed. Shovel in one hand, other hand on my hip, I replied, “I am allowed to feel my feelings. I give myself permission to voice my anger at the injustice. I will not hate them forever. But in this moment, I must allow myself to be real with myself. And the truth is that I am really pissed off.”

Took about three days for the vibration of anger to dissolve from my body. Through a process of self compassion, honesty, journaling, and rest, I held space for the messenger called Anger to speak and then be on its way. No rush, no fuss, no shaming, no judging. No trying-to-make-sense-of-it-all. Just breathing, holding space, listening, grounding, and seeing.

Alchemy achieved. Trauma dissolved. 

It may be frightening at first to allow your true feelings to the surface; it may even feel dangerous. But it’s much more dangerous to your emotional well-being to wish or deny a feeling away. 

Augusten Burroughs

It’s taken me a long time to conclude that anger is not bad. Nor is it good. Anger is a feeling. And feelings are neither bad nor good. They merely are. They just exist. Our egos slap labels on them such as honorable or horrible. We teach and preach those labels to our children. 

But what if our feelings, like this Anger I met from within me ages burrowed, are holy messengers? “Hey there, Anger here. Alert! Boundaries breached! Danger!” 

Holy Messengers. 

How then would we correspond with our feelings? Tamp down, shove in a drawer, hide for shame… or allow, give space for, listen, revere.

The anger I felt was not bad. It was a reaction to injustice. I am not a bad girl for feeling it. Nor was I a good girl for trapping it in a wooden crate and burying it in the far corner of the basement. Forgetting about it for a lifetime.

I conclude with a great song by The Pretenders (which I find hilarious since I am encouraging us all to n-o-t pretend, to be real and raw and authentic and brave… but I find that Divine has a great sense of humor.)

TakeAway:

1. Your feelings are real and messy but part of the human experience. So don’t freak out about them.
2. Hold them with an openness to listen, to hear their message, with compassion for yourself.
3. Feel these emotions into your body. 
4. Be patient. This is sacred work.

If you’re mad, get mad… don’t hold it all inside… come on and talk to me now.

Chrissie Hynde

As an Empowerment Coach, Empath, and Fitness Trainer, I am here to guide you on your wellness journey. Appointments available here. 

Hugs.