I love us way too much to try to be perfect for you.
“I want them to have the best experience possible. I want things to be perfect. I gotta be perfect.” — Used-to-be-me
Have you ever strived for perfection? I recall well those days when I tried and pushed, shoving myself into situations and dragging myself toward people all in the hopes of being deemed “good enough”, part of the gang, accepted. Worth keeping around.
The mere thought that someone could feel disappointed, displeased, or just nonplussed by my presence or the services I offered as a coach… was paralyzing, terrifying, and I thought well-shit-I-might-die if they don’t thoroughly enjoy every moment!
Every.
Moment.
Talk about a high bar, dude. Sheeeesh.
Perfectionism is the most paralyzing form of self-abuse.
Because I couldn’t yet see myself as worthy and acceptable, I spent years and a lifetime doing everything as perfectly as possible. Eggshell walking, I would strive to offer the PERFECT training session to my clients, constantly questioning whether I had done enough… even though I had surpassed our agreement.
- An hour consultation could never be just an hour. It had to run 75 minutes to PROVE that I was good enough and even perfect.
- Never say NO to a client or friend or sibling or, well, anyone. That’s how you prove you love them. Right?
- Be available and happy and full of energy and never need a day off or, well, time to eat lunch. (Because only imperfect people need calories?…or some other insane lie.)
WHAT DO THEY THINK OF ME? HOW DO THEY THINK I PERFORMED?
And while it sounds darn noble to want to offer every single person around us our best, our constant YES, and a perfect experience… it’s a lot of pressure on both the giver and the receiver/taker, it’s unrealistic, and it’s a sign that we’re wounded in body-soul-spirit.
Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels the primary thought: If I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.
Brene Brown
Do we strive for perfection as a means of controlling all sorts of shit going on in our lives? “If I do this perfectly, then maybe that won’t happen; if I say that perfectly, or am at the perfect weight, then maybe this will happen…” Yes, we have an authority and heck yes step into that like a boss and own it… But CONTROL? Nope. I think that’s an illusion erected to keep us occupied, exhausted, wanting, needing, and feeling incomplete.
And that’s a hard no. Like, an oh hell no.
Breathe into the moment you’re in, then the next, then the next. Be here now.
Offer the other your love intention. This is GOOD ENOUGH.
Create safe space.
Listen with an open heart.
Respond only when asked and, even then, sparsely and gently.
Hug.
Don’t try to fix shit. People are not broken… yes, they’re broken-hearted, broken-spirited, broken-bodied… and in desperate need of being broken open… but this is done through kindness, patience, borne of Love’s eyes and understanding.
Allow others to be who they are.
Show up as your authentic af self.
Oh my well here’s a thought.. maybe this earthly experience isn’t to make sure that everyone around us thinks we’re awesome… maybe how others think of us is none of our business!!! :-O
It sounds generous to strive to create a perfect experience for our clients, friends, family… to propel ourselves into experiences that leave us feeling overwhelmed, disconcerted, unhinged. But I tell you that I think we do ourselves and the others a disservice when we don’t let them own their experience for themselves.
What if I am not responsible for your happy experience?
What if you’re not responsible for how I’m feeling?
Perfectionism can be a form of protection if we have ever experienced trauma, emotional pain, or rejection in the past. Perfectionism is our attempt to outwork and outsmart ever feeling that way again.
When we haven’t had the opportunity to be held deeply, sacredly, to be told we are precious and perfect regardless of our performance… we may find ourselves dying to be perfect. And perfectly dying. The outstanding news is that, once you see this in yourself, you have all the tools you need to begin the journey of reminding yourself that you are indeed enough and beyond adequate and worthy and maybe even perfect.
It’s not up to anyone else to heal you.
It’s not up to you to heal anyone else.
We hold space for each other.
And you’ll know that you’ve found yourself at the most Unconditionally Loving space of all when you care about the other but don’t care what they think of you. You’ll feel it in your bones, down into your deepest breath… “I love this person, and I want them to have the experience they want to have, and I give them permission to do so. If they find their time with me inadequate, I’m open to a gentle conversation. But I love them – and me – way too much to be someone I’m not, to wear a mask, to shove myself under the bus, and to lie about who I am and what rocks my world. I give both of us permission to be on our journeys.”
You will find it necessary to let things go, simply for the reason that they are too heavy.
Corrie ten Boom
Hanging on to my expectations of your expectations of me is just too heavy. I say we lay that shit down right now. Let’s both just breathe into this moment, find the Godness in each other, and allow the journey to unpack.
(And that sounds perfectly perfect to me.)
If you can relate to what I’m sharing today, it’s good to know we’re not alone in this always amazing, sometimes confusing, often exhilarating, frequently fantastic journey called this earthly incarnation. Oh, being human… such a learning curve… but we’re doing it. We’re in it and learning to own it, the comfortable and the uncomfortable of it all. And might I say, it looks good on you. Thanks for your company.
Edgy, joyful, pondering…
Lisa ❤
If you like these ponderings, please check out my 30-day journals. They’re just perfect for someone like you. 🙂 Downloadable pdfs on a variety of topics. Sure to encourage, inspire, motivate, and create meaningful ponderings. ❤
Writing Every Day Down 