We think that holding on makes us strong but sometimes it is letting go.
H. Hesse
I did a very brave thing indeed. I signed up for a half marathon a few months ago… not brave. For me. I’ve raced many… this morning, the day of the race, I backed out.
I. Backed. Out.
Me: hey, not going
Husband: whew, I didn’t want to either… doesn’t feel right today for some reason
Me: it would be easier to go, ya know
Husband: for you, it sure would… something on your list ain’t getting done today
Me: I think I’m rewiring something deep inside… pushing-pulling-forcing is so familiar and comfortable, but I feel Love opening up a door within me, a door labeled “let go”
Husband: sometimes Plan B really is just Plan B
When I signed up for the race, I knew in my guts that I didn’t want to do it. The people-pleasing-Me hissed, “he wants to do it and you don’t wanna be left behind so sign up, ignore that other voice that coos and caresses… it’s a wimp.” Every part of my body bucked when I hit the YES button… It knew that saying YES to pressure and guilt and shame meant saying NO to my Truth.
I’ve been wrestling with fear of abandonment for years. Parents divorced before I have memory but I have a deep sensitivity to feeling like I must keep up with the group or die. Extreme, yes. Visceral, yes. Reasonable and true? No. But trauma doesn’t dot the i’s and cross the t’s.
This being human thing…. well, it’s a damn lot. For me. So much learning, pondering, alchemizing, transforming. I give me a load of credit for sticking with it, staying curious, compassionate, and courageous. 🙂
Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.
It’s a season of coming face-to-face with Me, the deep and the wide of who I Am… the Godness and Wonder, Joy and Miracle, Light and Love, Spirit and Awakening Christ. Anything and everything else that I believe about Me is being shed, peeled away, molted, LET GO.
- no more people pleasing
- no more hoping everyone around me is happy
- no more believing it’s my job to make sure they are
- maybe I’ll make some waves
- maybe I’ll take a nap
- maybe some day I’ll sign up for a race
- and maybe I’ll race it
- and enjoy it
- and it’ll be the Truest Me racing it
Letting go is the cornerstone of change.
There’s no longer any space in my Being and life for victimhood, lack mentality, people-pleasing, guilt, shame, or any of the other FEARS. I AM the Phoenix Rising, coming out of the ashes of pain and abuse, flying higher than ever and seeing the Big Picture. I AM no longer afraid that I don’t fit it, that I’m a burden, that my light is too bright and offensive, that my existence is just too much for people.
- I don’t fit it.
- I am sometimes a burden in that I refuse to be anyone other than ME.
- My light is bright and I’ll probably offend some folks.
- My existence has been too much for some. Not my problem.
This morning, I did a very brave thing indeed. I didn’t show up for a race because I was busy showing up for myself. Braver still, I may sign up and run a race someday because they really can be a load of fun… but I’ll push the YES button when it’s YES to Me.
If today you find yourself showing up for anyone else but you, so afraid to be left behind, forgotten, abandoned, deemed inadequate and unworthy, I truly understand. Breathe. Sit under Tree, let Mother Earth hold you, remind you that you’re here to remember who you are – Godness and Light, Love Itself – and to swim in the deep end of Joy… racing sneakers on or not… you are loved… and here’s a hug.
Edge-y, joyful, pondering…
Lisa
Sound Therapist & Mind-Body Coach
If you like these ponderings, please check out my 30-day journals. They’re just perfect for someone like you. 🙂 Downloadable pdfs on a variety of topics. Sure to encourage, inspire, motivate, and create meaningful ponderings. ❤
Writing Every Day Down 