Writing Every Day Down

Never Say Never

Somebody got a hold of my camera…. 😉

Have you ever said, “aw hell no, that never gonna happen” and then it did? I have… and her name is Giavanna Hope Augustine-Glasier and she’s turning five next month and she gives the best sloppy deer-poopy-smelling breath kisses ever.

I can’t love her more.

One thing I have come to know about myself is that I can get set in my ways… and stay there. Slow to change, yes. Some may say stubborn. (I call myself “relentless” and “never give up” and “reliable”… but I can get zeroed in, blinders on, lose sight of the peripheral.)

Well, didn’t this FurButt catch my attention one chilly autumn morning as I scrolled through Facebook. I wasn’t expecting her. But she was looking for me.

I was smitten at first photo.

“Oh no, look at our baby puppy,” I whispered to Husband across coffee mugs.

“We’re not getting a dog,” he replied, not even looking at the cutest baby furbutt face everrrrrr.

“I know… that’s why I don’t know why we are?”

My arm still extended, phone shoved at him, he glanced up. Smiled. Sighed.

“What are ya doin’ to us, Lis?”

The last of the FiveBeautifulSouls we’d birthed, housed, fed, rocked, educated, played with, yelled at, cried with, and already missed was preparing to move out and on… freedom awaited! I’d gotten pregnant within a month of getting married so we’d never known quiet time, personal space, money in our pockets.

But, here we go… falling in love with a dog who we’d never met who lived across the country. Flea-infested, ill with the parvo virus, and freakin’ cuter than any other four-legged creature in all the worrrrrrrrld.

No regrets.

Okay, a few. She ate all my pillows in the first two years. Chewed up my dining room table legs and chairs even though she had plenty of chew toys. Oh, and the hutch that matched? Yep, that too. Okay, the whole chewing my furniture thing really pissed me off.

But that face. Those eyes. My heart.

And so, we adopted her into our family, our home, and she has nestled herself deeply into our hearts. I’m her Person. I talk with her and talk for her.

“TallThinDude is home from work, Mama!” she shouts, running to the door with tail wagging only 100 mph.

“Hey, Lisa’s Dog,” he groans (as he allows her to jump up on him and give kisses.)

Most evenings, she sits patiently while we eat dinner. She knows that Steven will dice up some chicken and add that to her dish when we’re done eating. If we get distracted after dishes, she’ll come get us and let us know it’s time for our walk. There’s poop to be pooped and scooped!

I always wonder what she thinks of our bagging her poop on our twice daily strolls…

“Aw sheesh, I better poop. For whatever reason, they gather that shit up and take it home, toss it in with the other bags, and eventually gather one big bag of my poop and take it somewhere. Must be pretty important.”

These humans, so fascinating.
Gia

She loves her window by the couch, her own bed in the middle room that used to be the boys’, and our exercise routine. She doesn’t like vegetables, the FedEx dude, nor Aunt Rita.

She adds stuff to do in my day: walk, feed, comb; morning rubbins, monthly flea pill; fill up all the holes she digs; my God, vacuum for days and years and forever because she’s white and sheds half of her weight every day…

And she adds humor. She loves to watch TV, helps me decide which house the couple should buy on BeachHunters… encourages me to nap every so often, maybe not take everything quite so seriously because there’s always later or tomorrow or maybe it doesn’t need to get done at all… she always greets me with Love, tail wagging and tongue hanging.

Love. From the most surprising place at the most unexpected time.

I’ve learned to never say never… I am learning to go with the flow a little more these days, humbled by how life can twist and turn and show me how I can plan one way and end up in another place altogether.

Less control. More flow.

Blinders off. Enjoying the view.

Surfing the wave. Yep, I’m on the board and strong and doing the work of staying upright, but it’s Love – oh that Source Of Us All – that is directing my path.

Or Gia. Gia directs my path too… pulling on the leash like it’s her business. And, well, maybe it is. And maybe I am.

She really is the best teacher everrrrrrr.

If you find yourself in the midst of some overwhelming emotions, memories, situations, decisions… I sure do understand… here’s a hug. And if you visit our home, you’ll get plenty of Gia kisses too.

Edge-y, joyful, pondering…

Lisa ❤

EnergieGal Holistic Wellness

Licensed Sound Therapist

Certified Mind-Body Coach

If you like these ponderings, please check out my 30-day journals. They’re just perfect for someone like you. 🙂 Downloadable pdfs on a variety of topics. Sure to encourage, inspire, motivate, and create meaningful ponderings. ❤

No Longer And Not Yet

Healing asks, “will you stop struggling? Are you open to enjoying life more, enduring life less?”

I’m moving to a new office. Again. It’s been a process over the last few years and, frankly, I’m pretty pooped. Find a new space, set it all up, try it out, pack it up, try again.

Sigh.

It’s not that the spaces I tried out were bad per say. They just weren’t my space. I’m looking for that juuuuust-right space that is not too hot, not too cold, and feels like home.

Which, ironically enough, is exactly where I’ve ended up. At home.

My new office space is in my barn. Okay, so it’s not quite there yet, but we’re busy as bees hustling and bustling to make ceilings and walls and carpet the floors. Not even done yet and I can just feel that “it’s the one.” This is what I’ve been seeking, this is the space that meets my list of “I-just-gotta-have-this-for-my-clients.”

We began this reconstruction process a month ago and it looks like it’ll take awhile yet. And, oh God, everything in me wants to push this along, drag its ass to the finish line already and get on with the next leg of the journey.

But… as I go out there, paint brush in hand and happy music playing on my phone, I find that The Process is asking to be honored. Seen. Allowed. Allowed to unfold, not forced into opening.

Hey… psssst. Slow down. Breathe. Don’t miss this magical moment, that in-between hour when your dream has shown itself but hasn’t yet manifested. This is a precious time! There’s something here for you to see, feel, grasp, receive… so that you can eventually embody Peace, Patience, Vision, Joy-In-The-Midst. Allow this experience!
a still small voice within… or maybe it’s the barn… or The Process

It’s exactly what I long to offer in this new space: Peace that surpasses understanding; Calm that settles bone-deep and manifests bigly, widely; Healing that is nothing short of miraculous. And I suppose this kind of frequency is deserving of honor, patience, safe space.

And so… while it feels as if we’re only making progress by millimeters, it is enough. And I feel blessed. Grateful.

This is a lot of personal healing, as one who makes lists for my lists and gets high off of crossing shit off and getting everything done by the end of the day. It’s like this Creating-The-Barn Process is offering to me an opportunity to slow down, breathe, trust, hold the vision while also letting go of the moment, the ache to always be doing, the need to accomplish quickly, efficiently, in perfection.

It’s a damn lot, dude.

But… I don’t want my list to obscure my vision. As a reminisce about this Holy Process, I want to remember how it felt to see both the barn and my soul unfold into Beauty. I want to recall how Honoring The Process felt in my bones so that I can share this story with future clients.

If you’re always racing to the next moment, what happens to the one you’re in?
Nanette Mathews

As the paint goes on, I am listening closely to the squoosh sound. I find myself literally watching the paint dry, imagining the group meditations, the mind-body coaching sessions, the sound bowl therapy treatments, the laughter, the tears, the dreams shared, the grief gathered and honored, the empowerment gained… and I know that I am honoring the NoLongerAndNotYet Space, so holy, awe-some, slow, grounded, opening.

And it is well with my soul.

If you are finding yourself in that “I am no longer but not yet” space, thank you for the company. Me too. Feels good to know I’m not alone on this journey. It’s sacred space, I tell ya. Sacred, sometimes lonely. Not easy, but surely part of the awakening, evolving. Can you feel me next to you, step at a time, reminding us of the Beauty in the Allowing? May I say, NoLongerButNotYet looks damn good on you, my fellow traveler, and here’s a hug.

Edgy, joyful, pondering…

Lisa ❤

EnergieGal Holistic Wellness

Licensed Sound Therapist

Certified Mind-Body Coach

Yellow

YOU ARE THE YELLOW ONE.

In a world of beautiful flowers, you are your own unique version of God.

Someone in your life could use a hug, an encouraging word, a smile, some reassurance that life goes on and it’s all okay even though it feels so hard right now…

Let them know… give that hug, say the word, smile, offer the reassurance.

(Husband sent this photo to me while I was on a short sabbatical, “trying to figure things out” only to discover that life is messy AND/BUT still worth showing up for every day. He is my loudest and most faithful cheerleader. This photo helped me find my way back Home.)

Some quotes I’ve found helpful:

Be kind. Everyone is fighting battles you know nothing about. – Robin Williams
I can be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it. – Maya Angelou
Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it. – Helen Keller

If you find yourself sludging through this moment, not telling anyone and keeping that game face on, I love you. I see the God in you and embrace all of you, all of the splendor and wonder that is YOU. Perhaps today you need to rest and allow yourself to remember your “yellow-ness.” May I whisper into your heart that yellow looks good on you and here’s a hug.

Edgy, joyful, pondering…
Lisa ❤️

EnergieGal Holistic Wellness
Licensed Sound Therapist
Certified Mind-Body Coach

The Obstacle In The Way

The obstacle is the way…. oh, how difficult this can be to hear and much more difficult to breathe into and allow.

My eating disorder has been the way for me to meet other souls in their pain, their addictions, their symptoms of deeper issues. Without judgment. And others can feel that deep compassion and quiet acceptance… “I see you, I feel you, I’ve been where you are, and I love you bigly.”

My anxiety has been the way for me to understand how vital daily exercise and journaling is to my mental health… and then to be able to offer this healing tool to others experiencing anxiety. For me, it’s not just something I learned in coaching school. It’s my personal journey. Because of anxiety, I see us all through compassion’s eyes and my heart longs to help us find peace. Coaching isn’t my job. It’s my heart’s passion.

Being Mom to special needs children has been the way for me to learn to slow down, allow our family to move at our own pace and not the world’s or the school’s or the Jones’; these souls arrived right on time in my life to offer me the opportunity to embrace a less complicated day (because there were days we couldn’t leave the house because someone or other couldn’t stand to wear clothes or go through doors or smell the air or… well… there were days when we stayed inside.) We made tents out of all the bath towels, ate lunch and even dinner under the forts, and decided not to shower because we weren’t ready to demolish our creations yet… a slower life, a simpler life, a different life than I’d imagined. Better. Way better.

The object in the way IS the way.

Right in the moment, it may not feel like it. But lean in, open up, become curious, stay compassionate, find that courage… and the life that you embody will be beyond your wildest dreams.

It’s a different way of approaching life… and it’s made all the difference.

If you find yourself trying so hard to push an object, situation, person, event OUT OF THE WAY — may I suggest that you stop for just a few breaths, sit on the grass or under a tree, and allow that obstacle to show you how it might be redirecting you. I’m sitting right there beside you. And may I whisper, introspection looks good on you. Here’s a hug.

Edgy, joyful, pondering…
Lisa ❤

EnergieGal Holistic Wellness
Licensed Vibrational Sound Therapist
Certified Mind-Body Coach

two roads

Two roads diverged in a wood… and I took the one less traveled by. This has made all the difference.
Robert Frost

Shit happens.
all of us, at some point

Shit happens.
You can’t change the shit.
Change the way you think about the shit.
Your world changes.

I’ve deleted this opening a number of times. That’s a lot of cussing, Lis. So I came up with “how to alchemize your difficult experiences.”

Which sounds pretentious as hell. So “shit happens” it is.

Here is a real life practical way to deal with all the shit.

CHANGE YOUR THOUGHTS.

If you can’t change the situation, change the way you think about the situation. On the other side of your current narrative, there’s freedom. Promise.

True story. Parents divorced, neither cared to nurture me. These are the facts. WHAT I DO WITH THESE FACTS IS MY RESPONSIBILITY. I cannot change my parents. I cannot change the divorce. These facts of my life are out of my “control” (not a favorite word of mine but one that people understand so I use it here.) What to do?

Options:

See the facts. Create a narrative: unfair, unjust, abandonment, rejection, trauma, victimhood.
See the facts. Create a narrative: how has this happened FOR me?

Victim.

Victor.

Note:

See the facts. No fairytales and no monsters. Hurt people hurt people, each doing the best they know how in that moment. It’s easy to get stuck in good-bad, but going there is a dead end. Stay off that path, onto the less ventured one: how has this happened FOR me?

Feel your feelings around the situation. Denying isn’t helpful. Do the work of reparenting yourself, being curious, compassionate, and courageous to heal. Then, when the time is right and you’re ready to hear it, ask yourself: how has this happened FOR me?

Remain humble. We have all hurt another person, been on both the giving and receiving end of shit. We too have bled all over people who never cut us. We’re all walking through generational pain, clearing the path of ancestral karma. Some of us are clearing more efficiently than others. If you are one, hug yourself and be thankful. No one chooses at a conscious level to hate. If you’re hating, you’re not awake. If you’re loving, the onus is on you to keep loving, even those who are hating.

Be patient. The journey may be long. It may be uncomfortable. It may not be easy. But it IS possible. Healing IS your outcome. Healing not only you but your ancestors and the generations to come. All because you were brave to breathe, do the work, respond in love rather than more fear and ego, and ask yourself: how has this happened FOR me?

Powerless.

Powerful.

“But it’s not that easy and you don’t know how bad it was, has been, is right now.”

I never said it would be easy.

As a matter of fact, healing generations of pain is mighty hard work indeed! It takes intention; it begs for boldness; it screams for a defying spirit that says, “I will not let this mindset continue to be passed down in our gene pool!”; it requires mindfulness; healing pain is a really big deal, dude. It doesn’t happen incidentally, accidentally, or easily.

But healing DOES happen, CAN happen, even WANTS to happen… when you stop and roll. Get yourself under a tree, on the grass, somewhere out in nature for an hour, a day, three months… and you head out there to lose your mind and gain your life, see things differently and intend from the core of your being to discover simplicity, remember peace, and incarnate Love.

Trauma.

Triumph.

“But it’s not fair that they got away with it…”

They didn’t. Oh, they didn’t. And once you start to wake up and remember who you are, you will understand this. And you will ache for them, mourning as you see the life they chose not to experience. They got away with nothing.

Victorious: how is this happening FOR me?

Empowered: how is this happening FOR me?

Triumphant: how is this happening FOR me?

Your move.

If you’re experiencing a difficult narrative, I’ve got no guilt to lay on you nor shame to shove in your backpack. I do have freedom to offer, however, when you allow yourself to truly FEEL your feelings… not just talk about them, stew in them, or push them to the way back. Invite them out to play, allow them to be felt, and receive their message. Promise you they’ll be on their way, leave your energies, and dissolve within your body. It will be among your bravest acts, indeed. Luckily, I have faith in you. And I happen to be walking right beside you. That’s me you’re hearing, cheering you on. And may I say, freedom looks good on you. Here’s a hug.

Edgy, joyful, pondering…

Lisa ❤

Courage Said Yes

If you knew your future, would you choose it?

Husband and I watched a movie last night called Arrival. Aliens arrive on earth, bringing with them the power to see everything all at once. Every time line, every possibility. Dr. Louise Banks is given the unusual ability to see her future, to know how it all unfolds. Should she choose this particular time line, she is given the outcome.

She will get married and they will have a daughter together. Their daughter will contract a rare disease, incurable. As the child approaches middle school years, Louise will tell her husband the fate of their daughter. He will leave her. Her beloved child will die in her arms as a teenager.

Will she choose this time line, then? Knowing ahead of time the pain, the grief, the forever-mourning… will she still say YES?

She sees the end from the beginning… and says yes.

She.

Says.

Yes.

The courage! The passion! The love that she cannot deny… all worth it. It is better to have loved and lost…

Being deeply loved by someone give you strength, loving someone deeply give you courage.
Lao Tzu

And so, I include the blog I wrote before watching the movie. I’ve been pondering lately whether we know what this incarnation will be like before we slide in. Do we have an itinerary? (I’ll say more in future blogs… this is a big ponder for me recently.)

And so… what if it was like this:

Fate cornered me in the hall in eighth grade or maybe it was eleventh and whispered, “you are going to pretty much stop everything and go all in for FiveBeautifulSouls. And they will offer you the most fulfilling, satisfying, self-denying, exhausting ride of your life! You will not sleep for days and years; you will offer your last cookie; you will drink the last of their juice when you can actually see – visual confirmation – that there are crumbs and spit floating around in the glass but you’re thirsty and it’s late so what the heck; you will cry in tired frustration at them and seethe in anger for them; you will pray like there’s no other hope and believe in miracles; you will experience miracles, real live holy shit-ness; you will hug a thousand times, wash a million loads of dishes because the dishwasher is broken and it’s fix it or take the kids to the movies; you will drive hundreds of miles and not be invited into the concert because they have their friends and well, you understand, right Mom?; you will understand and wait out in the car and you will be thankful you had the opportunity just to be near them; you will drop everything when the phone dings because it might be a text from FourthSon and he hardly ever communicates and you don’t want to miss it, him, and oh God you love him so; you will sew Halloween costumes during your few minutes free each day prior to the party and find it hilarious when they send you pictures of their made-up faces; you will welcome their friends as your own, making room in your home and in your heart and this will be the icing on the cake that you’ve found yourself creating, making, decorating; you will visit jails and churches, college dorms and new apartments; you will haul couches across the state and back again, sometimes only after just a few months but that’s okay because life is messy and you’re just thankful they’re alive and well and still need you, want you, text you, come home for dinner; you will realize that you started to thrive, feeling finally alive, on fire, purposeful, whole… as one baby after another after another chose you to come through, wake up next to, venture away from, and return on occasion. And you will realize that you actually never stopped anything… for in some way, your whole life was waiting for you to meet each of them, to witness their becoming, and to discover in yourself Unconditional Love… and you will know that you have lived deeply, widely… and that this has been your best life ever… better than you could have imagined; there will be days when you think you can’t go on, your heart cannot beat again, the ache too deep, the grief too wide; there will days and moments when you can’t breathe because the ecstasy of being alive with these FiveBeautifulSouls is beyond AboveAndBeyond, into the land of Promises, Love, Dreams; you will find yourself remembering the future, seeing all that will be – oh God the difficulties and triumphs, the forgetting, the remembering – you’ll choose it all, the happy-sad-glad-madness of your entire existence… because to remove even one memory, one event even if it’s hard would be to change the trajectory of your life… and you really, really want this life, just this way, with just these people…“

I saw the end from the beginning. And I said yes.

I.

Said.

Yes.

And so… thankful, I whisper in return to the Cosmos, God, and Me: Brave Seer, venture on, heart open and arms wide… here is your life… just as you’ve chosen, just as you’ve forgotten to remember… and are now, slowly, quietly, starting to see…”

If you, like me, are finding yourself in the midst of grief but understanding that this means that Love was here, is here still… I am right beside you. Oh, friend, your courage to say YES looks good on you. Kudos and hugs.

Edgy, joyful, pondering…

Lisa ❤

Perfect Isn’t So Perfect

I love us way too much to try to be perfect for you.

“I want them to have the best experience possible. I want things to be perfect. I gotta be perfect.” — Used-to-be-me

Have you ever strived for perfection? I recall well those days when I tried and pushed, shoving myself into situations and dragging myself toward people all in the hopes of being deemed “good enough”, part of the gang, accepted. Worth keeping around.

The mere thought that someone could feel disappointed, displeased, or just nonplussed by my presence or the services I offered as a coach… was paralyzing, terrifying, and I thought well-shit-I-might-die if they don’t thoroughly enjoy every moment!

Every.

Moment.

Talk about a high bar, dude. Sheeeesh.

Perfectionism is the most paralyzing form of self-abuse.

Because I couldn’t yet see myself as worthy and acceptable, I spent years and a lifetime doing everything as perfectly as possible. Eggshell walking, I would strive to offer the PERFECT training session to my clients, constantly questioning whether I had done enough… even though I had surpassed our agreement.

An hour consultation could never be just an hour. It had to run 75 minutes to PROVE that I was good enough and even perfect.
Never say NO to a client or friend or sibling or, well, anyone. That’s how you prove you love them. Right?
Be available and happy and full of energy and never need a day off or, well, time to eat lunch. (Because only imperfect people need calories?…or some other insane lie.)

WHAT DO THEY THINK OF ME? HOW DO THEY THINK I PERFORMED?

And while it sounds darn noble to want to offer every single person around us our best, our constant YES, and a perfect experience… it’s a lot of pressure on both the giver and the receiver/taker, it’s unrealistic, and it’s a sign that we’re wounded in body-soul-spirit.

Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels the primary thought: If I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.
Brene Brown

Do we strive for perfection as a means of controlling all sorts of shit going on in our lives? “If I do this perfectly, then maybe that won’t happen; if I say that perfectly, or am at the perfect weight, then maybe this will happen…” Yes, we have an authority and heck yes step into that like a boss and own it… But CONTROL? Nope. I think that’s an illusion erected to keep us occupied, exhausted, wanting, needing, and feeling incomplete.

And that’s a hard no. Like, an oh hell no.

Breathe into the moment you’re in, then the next, then the next. Be here now.

Offer the other your love intention. This is GOOD ENOUGH.

Create safe space.

Listen with an open heart.

Respond only when asked and, even then, sparsely and gently.

Hug.

Don’t try to fix shit. People are not broken… yes, they’re broken-hearted, broken-spirited, broken-bodied… and in desperate need of being broken open… but this is done through kindness, patience, borne of Love’s eyes and understanding.

Allow others to be who they are.

Show up as your authentic af self.

Oh my well here’s a thought.. maybe this earthly experience isn’t to make sure that everyone around us thinks we’re awesome… maybe how others think of us is none of our business!!! :-O

It sounds generous to strive to create a perfect experience for our clients, friends, family… to propel ourselves into experiences that leave us feeling overwhelmed, disconcerted, unhinged. But I tell you that I think we do ourselves and the others a disservice when we don’t let them own their experience for themselves.

What if I am not responsible for your happy experience?

What if you’re not responsible for how I’m feeling?

Perfectionism can be a form of protection if we have ever experienced trauma, emotional pain, or rejection in the past. Perfectionism is our attempt to outwork and outsmart ever feeling that way again.

When we haven’t had the opportunity to be held deeply, sacredly, to be told we are precious and perfect regardless of our performance… we may find ourselves dying to be perfect. And perfectly dying. The outstanding news is that, once you see this in yourself, you have all the tools you need to begin the journey of reminding yourself that you are indeed enough and beyond adequate and worthy and maybe even perfect.

It’s not up to anyone else to heal you.

It’s not up to you to heal anyone else.

We hold space for each other.

And you’ll know that you’ve found yourself at the most Unconditionally Loving space of all when you care about the other but don’t care what they think of you. You’ll feel it in your bones, down into your deepest breath… “I love this person, and I want them to have the experience they want to have, and I give them permission to do so. If they find their time with me inadequate, I’m open to a gentle conversation. But I love them – and me – way too much to be someone I’m not, to wear a mask, to shove myself under the bus, and to lie about who I am and what rocks my world. I give both of us permission to be on our journeys.”

You will find it necessary to let things go, simply for the reason that they are too heavy.
Corrie ten Boom

Hanging on to my expectations of your expectations of me is just too heavy. I say we lay that shit down right now. Let’s both just breathe into this moment, find the Godness in each other, and allow the journey to unpack.

(And that sounds perfectly perfect to me.)

If you can relate to what I’m sharing today, it’s good to know we’re not alone in this always amazing, sometimes confusing, often exhilarating, frequently fantastic journey called this earthly incarnation. Oh, being human… such a learning curve… but we’re doing it. We’re in it and learning to own it, the comfortable and the uncomfortable of it all. And might I say, it looks good on you. Thanks for your company.

Edgy, joyful, pondering…

Lisa ❤

35 years and farting…

Thirty-five years ago today, I know exactly what I was doing and how I was feeling.

I was single. Scared shitless, wondering if I’m making the right decision. Overwhelmed and totally clueless as to what the heck I was saying “I do” to… and, truth be known, clueless as to WHO I was saying “I do” to. We’d dated for two years but… I had yet to even fart in front of him. I was on my best behavior, seldom rocking the boat. Smooth waters, thank you.

We’ve come a long way since then.

And I’m going to lay it out straight and simple here. It’s because of him. I am a royal pain in the ars. Really. It’s hardly ever 50-50. Most days, it’s closer to 70-30. I am emotional and driven, wired for sound and full of energy. Blathering on about hopes and dreams, that man listens like it’s his job and he’s up for a raise. He’s one big heart walking around on those long legs.

I won the lottery, dude.

We get asked how we’ve done it, made all these years knit together into this most amazing tapestry. So here goes:

We laugh a lot.

If we couldn’t laugh, we would all go insane.
Robert Frost

As the years have marched on, we have found more and more of life just really funny. Yes, there’s heartache and loss, grief and frustration, anger and confusion… need I delineate all that happens in nearly 35 years of marriage that includes bringing FiveBeautifulSouls into the party?

Special needs kids? Yep, we got ‘em.
Difficult work situations? Check!
Not enough money? Uhm, yup.
Health shit? Double check.
Adult children? Five checkmarks. (Whoever said small kid, small probs; bigger kids, bigger probs was a parent. Sheeeeesh.)

And yet.

There is still room for laughter. For gratitude. For tears of joy, tears of pain, reminding each other of the bigger picture, and offering a foot massage.

There is still room for hilarity. For going kayaking, mowing the lawn, paying the bills, checking on the folks, running out in the middle of the night to help a kid who got stuck in a snow bank (or jail), mourning, going for a run, folding laundry, and sharing a bowl of popcorn.

It’s not been a smoothly sailing ship by any means in these 35 years. But they’ve been worth remembering and celebrating. And believing that maybe we’ll get another 35?…

The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Dolly Parton

Me: (fart)

Him: Ya know, they say that once you start farting in front of each other that the romance is over.

Me: (fart again)

Him: I agree. They don’t know what they’re talking about.

……..Told ya. He’s a keeper.

I think feeling deeply is the most profound thing of all. Feeling the pain allows you to also feel the laughter in life. If you’re feeling – whether it’s sadness or anger, happiness or fulfillment – good on you! That’s some brave shit right there. Allowing yourself to feel is empowering, healing, and a mighty act indeed. Here’s a gold star and a hug.

Edgy, joyful, pondering…

Lisa ❤

If you like these ponderings, please check out my 30-day journals. They’re just perfect for someone like you! 🙂 Downloadable pdfs on a variety of topics. Sure to encourage, inspire, motivate, and create meaningful ponderings. ❤

Just So Much

You are loved. Just so much.

I’ve had a rough few weeks. Grief is never an easy once-and-done. The depth and width, height and length of “the journey in and through” is usually overwhelming.

Just so much. So much for the emotional body – oh, that heart! Lots to allow to be there, to feel… and many of us are so darn good at pushing feelings into the corner and telling them, “I’ll be back later… when it’s a better time.”

Just so much. So much for the intellectual body – oh, that brain! Thinking and thinking, trying to figure it out, make sense of stuff. But is there? Is there creating a neat box in which to house grief, stick it on a shelf and say, “ah, I get it now”?

Just so much. So much for the physical body – oh, that body! Feeling emotions, processing into the nervous system the bigness of dying, death, sadness, grief, anger, relief, fear, loss. Overwhelm for sure.

I think that grief and loss is very much a part of our everyday lives… more, perhaps, than we’d like to admit or acknowledge. So much an integral thread of the tapestry. Is there any life without death?

A good friend of mine died suddenly.

Daughter lost her cat of 14 years.

SecondSon has announced he is moving away.

These events are rocking my world, dude. Big time… I find myself pondering:

Did Barbara know that I loved her insatiable curiosity and willingness to try new things? Was she aware that I loved how she listened and considerately responded? Oh, how she could hold space… did I tell her that? Did I say, “hey, friend, you are a rock star at creating safe space… thanks for that. And here’s a hug, by the way.”

Did Daughter feel like I listened well as she mourned, recalling the difficulty of the last decision on that last day of Esther’s life? Did Daughter feel held? Did she feel I honored her grief enough? Was I sure to hug more than try to fix something that could never be mended?

Did SecondSon know how proud I am of him? Did he think, “wow, Mom thinks I’m amazing! Brave! Insightful!” Did I express my admiration for his adventurous spirit bigly enough?

Sigh.

Probably not. I am one of those who gets stuck in my head, thinking and thinking… forgetting to share those thoughts, neglecting to wrap arms around us, look deeply into eyes. Breathe into this moment.

But I’m becoming more aware of this… which is why I asked Husband to make a sign for me that says YOU ARE LOVED. He did. We hung it on the side of our house where passersby can get an eyeful of it. And hopefully a heartful of it too.

Life is complicated. Things happen. People are busy, preoccupied, and on their own journeys of awakening, healing, unlearning and relearning. Remembering their wholeness and holiness. Yeah, we’re a messy bunch.

And life is simple. In the midst of the busy-ness, misunderstandings, disappointments, grief, and death… there is still life. And living. Living in and through and on… because we love.

Grief is love’s souvenir. It’s our proof that we once loved. Grief is the receipt we wave in the air that says to the world: Look! Love was once mine. I love well. Here is my proof that I paid the price.
Glennon Doyle, Love Warrior

I love Barbara. Just so much.

I love Daughter. And that goofball cat of hers too. Just so much.

I love SecondSon. Even if he’s far away. Just so much.

Because life is unpredictable and I’m not sure when we’ll meet up again, I want you to know that you are loved. You matter to me, to us, to the world. If I neglected to say it aloud – because the words stay in the back of my throat some days, little whispers too shy to come out and play – let me assure you bigly here and now: you are loved.

I’m sorry that love comes with grief, grief with love and it’s just so much! And in some seasons of the journey, it sucks. Sucks the energies right out, leaving us feeling deflated, listless, grappling, exhausted.

But I wouldn’t trade those memories of long-winding, twisty-turning discussions with Barbara. If it means having known her, I’ll pay the price.

I wouldn’t trade those memories of watching Daughter fall in love with Esther and spend BFF time together. If it means watching that flower bloom, I’ll pay the price.

I wouldn’t trade those memories of SecondSon finally learning how to walk… only to walk away. And even if that walk is far away, I’ll pay the price.

Grief is proof that we have loved. Yes, loved. Just so much.

If you’re experiencing this “just so much” love-with-grief season, here’s a hug. Let me tell you that I see you, I feel you, and you’re doing it. You’re venturing in and through and onto… and I can’t be more inspired by you.

Edgy, joyful, pondering…

Lisa ❤

THE GIFT OF REJECTION

Two roads diverged… so I stopped lying.

Two roads diverged in a wood… and I, I took the one less traveled by. And that has made all the difference.
Robert Frost

I have a confession to make. Though I do not consider myself an easily intimidated person, I am – gulp – well, truth is, I am afraid of being rejected. There, I’ve said it. I’ve admitted that being rejected ranks up there among my biggest fears.

And this is a problem. You see, if I base my interactions with people upon whether or not I will be rejected… then I am not being honest. I am not being my truest self. I am being who I think they will accept. I am molding myself around what I think they would want me to be, say, act, believe… and this makes me a LIAR.

And who wants to be a liar? or with a liar?

No, me neither.

I understand that I came to the mindset early on in my life that my job was to make sure the people around me were pleased with me, that I didn’t rock the boat or start a line of questioning that would upset the apple cart. And so, I learned that to be loved and to be perceived as lovable, I had to be someone other than myself. I had to act however was necessary for those around me to feel comfortable, satisfied, in control.

So I lied.

Authenticity is when you say and do the things you actually believe.
Simon Sinek

Fast forward a few decades… and I am learning about who I am and am not, and daring to be brave, set boundaries, and be true to myself. Even when this truth is uncomfortable or upsetting to those around me.

And it hasn’t been an easy path to take. Why? Well, if you’ve ever been rejected – and we all have – you know that rejection hurts.

Rejection is more than skin deep. It activates the same areas of our brain as physical pain. To be rejected is to feel physical pain. Rejection causes emotional pain too: hurts our self-esteem, causes anger or sadness, and knocks us off course from feeling stability in our lives.

When rejected, we have choices. At least two, maybe more. But we have choices. We do not have to retreat into ourselves or pull back from the group. We can stay, continue to stand our ground, hold our opinion. We can choose to continue to post on social media, converse with others, believe in ourselves.

Or we can believe that being rejected means there’s something wrong with us. That we have to change. And while it may be the case that our behavior needs changing, those who lovingly correct us, bring us to our knees, are going to stick around and gently encourage us to our feet. They’ll hold space for us while we ponder. They’ll be open to conversation with us while we question. They’ll cheer for us while we process feelings and emotions and come through on the other side of transformation. They will be our biggest fans. Throughout this whole choosing the road-less-traveled of authenticity, they will be the ones whispering, shouting, reminding us, “You are perfect! You are divine! You are light and love and everything wonderful! Wake the frick up and remember who you are!”

Rejection isn’t failure. Failure is giving up. Everyone gets rejected. It’s how you handle it that determines where you’ll end up.
Richard Castle

There’s a tiny voice inside my head that says, “hey, you better not post on social media or share your story or be seen… because what if they don’t like you? what if you get a thumbs down or a mean comment or just plain ignored? what if you get rejected?” I know now that it’s trying to protect me from getting hurt. And I appreciate that. But I don’t need protection in that way anymore. There was a time when not being seen kept me safe… but I don’t live in that space anymore. It is safe for me to come out and play. 🙂

Rejection is redirection.
Phil Good

And when I do “get rejected,” I can choose to embrace this message as one of redirection. I am still the same worthy and lovable soul, but there’s opportunity upon me to head in a little different direction. Take yet another road-less-traveled. With an open heart and open mind, I can choose to stand, to look up, be curious, and remain compassionate towards all of us on the journey. I can allow the fear of rejection to be there until its time to dissolve. It’s a former protector turned messenger. I can choose to keep on the experience of remembering who I am and always have been, to keep on loving myself, to keep on loving others, and to keep on remaining amazed at this gift of life.

Authenticity is about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.
Brene Brown

I love you. Welcome home.

Be fearlessly authentic. Bravely be you.

How about you? Can you recall a time when you felt rejected? How did you react? What were your thoughts? How would you do things differently now?

If you or someone you care about enjoys my stories and blogs, please feel free to share them. Also, I have created Thirty-Day Journals on a variety of topics for sale via my site, downloadable. Easy-peasy. 🙂

Wrting Every Day Down, in gratitude and wonder,

Lisa xx

Life Coach/Empath/Spiritual Mentor