Motherhood
Photo by Balázs Benjamin from Pexels
It’s early January and yet the ground is green, just a bit of snow left from Christmas Eve’s stormy white. Snowperson fell over yesterday in the thaw, hat upside down next to its round base.
More snow is on the way, I’m sure. This is the cycle, isn’t it? Snow, white & cold; thaw, muddy & wet, green. It stirs in me an emptiness. My body feels achy; I yearn.
Ah, I miss Sons. Maybe that’s my melancholy today, not so much the weather. I loved their laughter, joking among each other, their vibes in the house, in my space. It was yummy. Better than cookies, even.
Is it a smallish thing that most of my adult life, my breath, my thoughts… has revolved around four Sons and Daughter? If you’d have told me thirty-five, forty years ago that my life would be narrowed to a sliver of BEing Mom, I’d have — well, I’d have been super curious about this, intrigued for sure.
“Me? A Mom? And all in? 24/7/365? Really? No shit? …..Wow!”
I’d have thought, “But that sounds like a ton of work, sacrifice, sleeplessness, surrender, other-ly-ness… and I’m selfish and weak and emotional and too tired.”
And yet.
They’ve been my best teachers, these five souls. They’ve raised me well, if I do say so myself. I’ve learned patience with others – and myself – and openness to so many ideas and vibes. They’ve helped me remember The Big Picture while maintaining a sense of Now. And gratitude.
When they visit, I am so thankful to get the text: “made it home.” I fall to my knees, literally, and dry my eyes. I would ever have thought that I’d be capable of weeping with thankfulness that one of mine had safely returned. Or that my life would become so focused, so pinpoint on these tiny moments of gratefulness, viscerally experienced.
In a time of history where life seems to be getting more and more complicated – like, I cannot understand half of the buttons on my phone and I feel silly getting out of the car to buy my groceries now – in the midst of all these electronics and new ways of doing things, I feel more simple than ever. Life has grown progressively smaller for me, zoom be damned. (It’s super convenient but hugging virtually is like eating plastic fruit. Uhm, no.)
I’ve never considered myself simple-needed, quiet, grateful. Always observant, yes, but ever anxious. Full of personal agenda. But lately, there’s this Simplicity, this Peace grounding me. It’s like I’m in the eye of the tornado or something. Like, craziness is all around me and I know it’s there and I can see it, feel it, even care deeply about it… but my Breath is within me, my Power is inside.
Sometimes I feel boring. Bored. Too simple. Pie-eyed. Too much of a dreamer, perhaps. A little crazy for stopping everything to enjoy Daughter painting my nails, Son coming in from his office in the den to give me a hug, Me dancing to a fave song come on the radio.
Thank you to all Powers That Be for allowing me to experience Motherhood, with all the stuff I figured on: work, sacrifice, sleeplessness, surrender, and other-ly-ness… as well as the I-never-woulda’s: the growth of my soul, the evolution of my consciousness, the opening of my heart to Love and Gratitude, and the grounding of my Being into Now.
And snow.
And Snowpersons on the green.
And Sons.
And Daughter.
And texts.
The storms.
The calm.
The complicated.
The simple.
Would that I continue to stay, to be here now, and to be grateful for it all.
Writing Every Day Down,
In gratitude & wonder.
Lisa
Blogger gratefully present-minded/Life Guide
YOUR JOURNAL PROMPT:
How life has opened up for me since I’ve begun seeing, feeling, writing the day… and so I hold space for conversation with you:
***What are you most thankful for?
***What are you most surprised about about yourself and your journey?
***Do you know how all the buttons on your phone work? 😉