13 Months

Thirteen months. It’s been thirteen months since I got my hair cut. Yesterday, I met with my gal and she trimmed me up good. Said I sure needed it. Well, ya know, thirteen months and all.

Last time I went, I told her to chop it off. Seven inches of my hair lay on the ground by the time all was said and done. It felt right. 

She asked why I would cut so much off, knowing how I prefer wearing it long. I told her that I felt like something was coming. Something big. Big energies. My reaction was to close my business of 28 years as a personal trainer/health coach and chop off my hair. 

I can be extreme.

That said, something did come and it was big. And it’s still coming and it’s still big. Bigly scary and bigly exciting. Bigly big. We have shifted, are shifting still. We continue to ride this wave. Of change. Of so much unknown.

I don’t think I’ve ever cried so much in my life.

Change is not easy for me. I like to KNOW. I like to see what’s coming up ahead and be prepared. This going with the flow… is just so damn scary. What if? And what if? And then what if? And so I cry. 

I miss my clients. Terribly. Daily for 28 years, I looked forward to seeing them, hearing their stories, working out with them, getting a paycheck, having a schedule. I love to mother, to nurture, to hug. * Truth be known, I’d have trained them for free. Okaaaaay, there are a couple I still would have charged. But at a discount. 😉 *

My hair gal asked if I missed my hair after she’d chopped all those inches off. I said no. For the love of it’s-only-hair, I have found myself altogether preoccupied within my heart. I have been enormously sad.

Grieving. When I closed my business, which was really more like my heart in that building, I felt like I lost something. My spark. My purpose. 

And so I’ve cried. Oceans.

I look around me and wonder if anyone out there feels the way I do. It’s one thing to feel out of sorts. It’s another to feel it all alone. I know others have experienced such big losses, bigger than mine for sure. And yet, mine is big too. To me. And so I honor this. And honor the emptiness I am experiencing.

I am doing my best to breathe. I remind myself of the joy of having had so many years and sessions and ab crunches among some of the finest souls ever known to walk this earth. Or, at the least, Chautauqua County. I feel like I was gifted with the best job ever. God, I hope that I let them know how much they meant to me… how much I enjoyed my days with them. 

And I am doing my best to surrender into the arms of Whoever is holding me now. And allowing myself to be open to whatever comes next. Gah, I have so many questions! Will I return to training/coaching? Will it be similar or altogether different? Where do I put all this mother-y nurturous mojo that sloshes around inside me? What do I do with my arms, ears, heart… which were used to hugging, listening, praying?

I know my hair will grow back.

But what about my purpose? Does that come back?

Do you ever feel like some days, you just have got it all together…

You can see for miles.

You just know how the story ends.

Baby, you are in the Flow!

But other days, you wonder if you will be up to making dinner…

I suppose that this is where Faith settles in.

Whispers gently.

And Self-Compassion comes close, reaches out, pulls in.

Soothes.

And Patience grows.

Ah, Patience. Grows.

I can see this much at least.

Amen.

Writing Every Day Down,

In gratitude and wonder.

YOUR JOURNAL PROMPT:

1. 2020 was a big year and so many of us – most of us, right? – have experienced big change. Allow yourself to breathe and really feel this for just a few moments. Honor this bigliness of energetic shift. Like, whew!
2. Anything in particular rough on you? Did you lose anything or anyone?
3. Any are in particular in which you grew, evolved, learned, thrived?
4. Are you a naturally go-with-the-flow soul or more controlling?
5. Short hair or long? 😉